It feels so indulgent, the way you look at me with your eyes.
It feels so indulgent, the way you strive to understand me.
It feels so indulgent, the way you quench my flesh.
It feels so indulgent, the way you love me so thoroughly.
Do I dare ask whether I am allowed to indulge myself so?
Gobbling up all this love
Bursting with my luscious curves
Satiation my mind with overly rich thoughts
Expressing each emotion as if uncovering a gem
Yes, I think it’s okay to be this happy
I didn’t know
I was scratching
This crinkle in me
Tell me I’m bad
Tell me I’m not good
It feels so soothing
But you saw
And paused me
In this crease
This is not good
You said gently
With such care
And I saw
My fingernails
On my skin
this minute
getting ready for the next minute
preparing for the minute after that
leading up to the subsequent minute
setting me up to not fail in a future minute
and when I look back
at all these minutes
stacked up into days
into weeks, months, and years
I feel pride
anger
sadness
loneliness
I’d like to look
under the layer of shoulds
of this minute
to fall and surrender
maybe this minute
is not just a minute
but is all I have now
what did I set off
when I listened to your stories of Africa
what did I stir up
when I smiled as you entered the room
what did I touch inside
when I sent you the video of the dancer
what propelled you to go for a run that weekend
did you know then what you would be running from
and what you would be running to
running
to feel alive again
to feel connected
to feel in love again
this sadness I carry
no longer relegated to the back room
it is with tender and care
that I bring it into the evening sun
sometimes it is heavy
sometimes it is light
but I am grateful
to hold it in my hands
to feel it
resting in my palms
this sadness I carry
no longer relegated to the back room
To my love,
A word – holding its sound in my mouth. Traveling the circumference of my tongue. Gently tickling the inside of my skull.
How does one hold a word? To ferry these feelings, that even my body can not contain. I am scared to let them tumble out. They are bigger than me and are all me. This love I feel for you – is a gift I give to you and is a gift I get to revel in the reflection of for myself. Its possibilities are unbound.
Today, I am using the light to inhabit space. I am working on approaching the surface of my skin. Each day. Inch by inch. Each little crevice. Melting. Opening. When I am ready.
What a gift you have given me.
My love.
This path
Through the woods
Winds my way to you
You will hold me
You will see me
You will catch me
I will let go
I will surrender
I will be present
In my body
In this moment
Until everything is carved away
Except for those things
That are too big
To clutch in one’s grip
Love
For your children
For you
For me
I sit at your feet
rest my head on your lap
lean my worries in
feel you present by my side
as I give you my gift
and you hold me as precious
every day the trees were drenched with rain
every day the sun shined through the cloud
every day we tucked in our shirts and straightened out the wrinkles
every day we pushed into each other deep into the night
every day I started to unfurl the pedals of my blossom
I have been wanting to start writing for a while, but have been reluctant to start. How do I being to express the journey that I have been on these past couple of years?
I’ve arrived at a clearing in the woods. A clearing that feels like home. A clearing that I didn’t realize I was looking for but am now realizing I was missing so deeply. This is such a precious place I find myself. This is where I find myself with my new partner. He feels ancient. He feels solid like the ocean waves. I finally have something I can push against. Something that makes me feel alive. Sometimes it feels little scary, but in a good way. This is not a static place. It’s dynamic and evolving. I look forward to writing down my thoughts and sharing my experiences as I go.
