I didn’t know

I was scratching

This crinkle in me

Tell me I’m bad

Tell me I’m not good

It feels so soothing

But you saw

And paused me

In this crease

This is not good

You said gently

With such care

And I saw

My fingernails

On my skin

this minute

getting ready for the next minute

preparing for the minute after that

leading up to the subsequent minute

setting me up to not fail in a future minute

and when I look back

at all these minutes

stacked up into days

into weeks, months, and years

I feel pride

anger

sadness

loneliness

I’d like to look

under the layer of shoulds

of this minute

to fall and surrender

maybe this minute

is not just a minute

but is all I have now

what did I set off

when I listened to your stories of Africa

when I smiled as you entered the room

what did I touch inside

when I sent you the video of the dancer

what propelled you to go for a run that weekend

did you know then what you would be running from

and what you would be running to

running

to feel alive again

to feel connected

to feel in love again

this sadness I carry

no longer relegated to the back room

it is with tender and care

that I bring it into the evening sun

sometimes it is heavy

sometimes it is light

but I am grateful

to hold it in my hands

to feel it

resting in my palms

this sadness I carry

no longer relegated to the back room

To my love,

A word – holding its sound in my mouth. Traveling the circumference of my tongue. Gently tickling the inside of my skull.

How does one hold a word? To ferry these feelings, that even my body can not contain. I am scared to let them tumble out. They are bigger than me and are all me. This love I feel for you – is a gift I give to you and is a gift I get to revel in the reflection of for myself. Its possibilities are unbound.

Today, I am using the light to inhabit space. I am working on approaching the surface of my skin. Each day. Inch by inch. Each little crevice. Melting. Opening. When I am ready.

What a gift you have given me.

My love.

This path

Through the woods

Winds my way to you

You will hold me

You will see me

You will catch me

I will let go

I will surrender

I will be present

In my body

In this moment

Until everything is carved away

Except for those things

That are too big

To clutch in one’s grip

Love

For your children

For you

For me

I sit at your feet

rest my head on your lap

lean my worries in

feel you present by my side

as I give you my gift

and you hold me as precious

every day the trees were drenched with rain

every day the sun shined through the cloud

every day we tucked in our shirts and straightened out the wrinkles

every day we pushed into each other deep into the night

every day I started to unfurl the pedals of my blossom

I have been wanting to start writing for a while, but have been reluctant to start. How do I being to express the journey that I have been on these past couple of years?

I’ve arrived at a clearing in the woods. A clearing that feels like home. A clearing that I didn’t realize I was looking for but am now realizing I was missing so deeply. This is such a precious place I find myself. This is where I find myself with my new partner. He feels ancient. He feels solid like the ocean waves. I finally have something I can push against. Something that makes me feel alive. Sometimes it feels little scary, but in a good way. This is not a static place. It’s dynamic and evolving. I look forward to writing down my thoughts and sharing my experiences as I go.