I see you with the deep caring in your eyes

I hear you with your heart in the fingers on the keys

I taste you with the salt on your lips

I feel you with the warmth in your hands

I sense you with your breath on my cheek

I love you with all of me for all of you

the great pause

was on hold for a moment

with a window open

for such a brief breath

I had held it together

for so many months

I was so grateful to see them

to see their new home

to see how

they are putting away their things

but so much in me has changed

it’s hard for me to say what my role is now

is it to bear witness

or is it to be seen

Press me up against the wall

Throw me on the bed

Make me gasp with delight

I want to feel your love

Feel it in the marrow of bones

Feel it in the lining of my spine

…

Unlike before

When I stood alone

Removed from even myself

Not wanting to dance

Not wanting to feel

That absence

It feels so indulgent, the way you look at me with your eyes.

It feels so indulgent, the way you strive to understand me.

It feels so indulgent, the way you quench my flesh.

It feels so indulgent, the way you love me so thoroughly.

Do I dare ask whether I am allowed to indulge myself so?

Gobbling up all this love

Bursting with my luscious curves

Satiation my mind with overly rich thoughts

Expressing each emotion as if uncovering a gem

Yes, I think it’s okay to be this happy

I didn’t know

I was scratching

This crinkle in me

Tell me I’m bad

Tell me I’m not good

It feels so soothing

But you saw

And paused me

In this crease

This is not good

You said gently

With such care

And I saw

My fingernails

On my skin

this minute

getting ready for the next minute

preparing for the minute after that

leading up to the subsequent minute

setting me up to not fail in a future minute

and when I look back

at all these minutes

stacked up into days

into weeks, months, and years

I feel pride

anger

sadness

loneliness

I’d like to look

under the layer of shoulds

of this minute

to fall and surrender

maybe this minute

is not just a minute

but is all I have now

what did I set off

when I listened to your stories of Africa

when I smiled as you entered the room

what did I touch inside

when I sent you the video of the dancer

what propelled you to go for a run that weekend

did you know then what you would be running from

and what you would be running to

running

to feel alive again

to feel connected

to feel in love again

this sadness I carry

no longer relegated to the back room

it is with tender and care

that I bring it into the evening sun

sometimes it is heavy

sometimes it is light

but I am grateful

to hold it in my hands

to feel it

resting in my palms

this sadness I carry

no longer relegated to the back room

To my love,

A word – holding its sound in my mouth. Traveling the circumference of my tongue. Gently tickling the inside of my skull.

How does one hold a word? To ferry these feelings, that even my body can not contain. I am scared to let them tumble out. They are bigger than me and are all me. This love I feel for you – is a gift I give to you and is a gift I get to revel in the reflection of for myself. Its possibilities are unbound.

Today, I am using the light to inhabit space. I am working on approaching the surface of my skin. Each day. Inch by inch. Each little crevice. Melting. Opening. When I am ready.

What a gift you have given me.

My love.

This path

Through the woods

Winds my way to you

You will hold me

You will see me

You will catch me

I will let go

I will surrender

I will be present

In my body

In this moment

Until everything is carved away

Except for those things

That are too big

To clutch in one’s grip

Love

For your children

For you

For me